What can parents use in the battle against religious indoctrination?

"Daddy, why did Jesus invent butterflies if they die after two weeks?"

I just about hit the panic button when my six-year-old son Theo put this question to me not long ago. His mother, who is a Christian, had taught him that Jesus was God. When Jesus's visage appears in a painting or on television, Theo sometimes exclaims, "That's God!" In his butterfly question he seemed to reason, syllogistically, that if Jesus was God, and God created the world and its life forms (butterflies being one of them), Jesus "invented" the winged creatures. Either that or God and Jesus are simply interchangeable in his mind.

"First, Theo, your question presumes that Jesus was God," I responded. "Many people, like mommy, believe he was, but many others don't. It also presumes that there is a God - we don't know for sure that there is." "I think there is," he retorted. "There may very well be a God, Theo. But not everyone agrees on that - there are many people who doubt there is a God. We might never know for sure if there is or not," I told him. "When we die we'll know," he came back. "Maybe," I said. "But maybe not."

The literalism packed into Theo's question alarmed me, but this was by no means my first encounter with the influence of religion on my progeny. My ten-year-old son Elijah enjoys going to church with his mother - not every Sunday, but not infrequently. I've never discouraged it. One Monday morning a few months ago, though, I saw him reading the Bible, a children's Bible he'd been given at his mother's church. In no way did I discourage him from reading it. But I confess (as it were) that I went to work that day a bit preoccupied.

To be sure, I'd always been comfortable with our familial arrangement: our boys have parents with very different views on religion - their mother a Catholic, their father an agnostic humanist. This is only one of the several ways in which our family is "mixed": Nilsa is from Puerto Rico, I from the Midwestern US; she grew up in a working-class family in the countryside, I in a middle-class one in the suburbs; she speaks to the children in Spanish, I in English. Our differences regarding religion must therefore seem, to the kids, par for the course, no?

I've also sensed (hoped?) that having one religious parent and one secular one could be healthy for the boys ("hmm, if mom believes x but dad doesn't, I guess there are multiple perspectives to consider, and who knows which one is right? Maybe none has a monopoly on truth...").

Nonetheless, the sight of Elijah reading the Bible that morning did leave me with an uneasy feeling. Of course it was wonderful to see him reading. And the Bible is in any case a seminal world-historical text: familiarity with it is an essential form of cultural knowledge. Churches, however, don't typically dispense Bibles merely as cultural texts but rather as the Word of God. It was in this register that I worried a bit about Elijah's engagement with the book. And it made me ask myself what exactly I was doing to share, or impart, my secular worldview to Elijah, as a counterbalance to the Catholicism he was imbibing from his mother. She takes him to services. What do I take him to? She has him reading the Bible. What do I have him reading?

I have read all sorts of books with Elijah that I think of as humanistic, broadly speaking: lots of poetry (particularly Pablo Neruda, whose Book of Questions is ideal for children); books like David A White's Philosophy for Kids, and its sequel, The Examined Life: Advanced Philosophy for Kids. I recall feeling especially proud one evening after doing a chapter of Philosophy for Kids, which is designed for discussion between parent and child - I think it was a chapter on the meaning of friendship - followed by some verses of Neruda. I put Elijah to sleep that night thinking to myself, a diet of Aristotle and Neruda for my eight-year old - how cool is that?

Cool though it may be, does it actually counterbalance the influence of the churchgoing and Bible-reading? Or does it operate on a parallel track from it altogether? Does Elijah juxtapose whatever he may be taking away from the philosophy and poetry with the stuff he hears at church? Does he consider one in relation to the other at all? Seeing his head buried in that Bible that morning really made me wonder if I was perhaps approaching the matter too sideways. Maybe I needed to tackle the situation head-on.

But how? Are there any children's books, I wondered, that directly address religious questions from a humanistic point of view? Not necessarily an anti-Bible, but a strong alternative or counterpart in a secular key.

I called a friend of mine, who works for a humanist charity and is a parent too, feeling sure he would have some sage advice. His response surprised me. Not only did he not know of any good humanist children's books, he said, he didn't like the idea of such a thing. Rather than attempt to counter-indoctrinate kids with explicitly anti-religious messages, he argued, far better simply to expose them to the widest range of reading as possible - weren't Roald Dahl and Dr Seuss essentially humanistic? - and expose them to the manifold religions and philosophies in the world in order to nourish their imaginations and sense of wonder about the Universe, and help them view religion in a comparative context. The antidote I was seeking, he suggested, was to be found in books of evolution and science fiction, not didactic manifestos.

Sounded wise, though I didn't expect to hear it from a full-time, professional humanist. And I was disappointed that he didn't have a ready-made list of books of the sort I had in mind.

The dilemma remained: what if all the science and fantasy and comparative metaphysics fail to do the trick, and Christian literalism, despite my efforts, works its magic on my children's minds? Call me intolerant, but I'll admit it: I don't want to tell my children what to believe or not to believe, but I would be displeased and disappointed if they were to embrace conventional religious views. I just would be. Isn't there a more direct way, I thought, to militate against that outcome?

I turned to Amazon and found that there are several books in this register. Many of them are published by Prometheus Books, an American press with a long history. Within minutes I had found books such as Humanism, What's That? A Book for Curious Kids by Helen Bennett and Dan Barker's Maybe Yes, Maybe No: A Guide for Young Skeptics. I particularly liked the title of this one. Could I have found what I was looking for?

I had liked the idea about exposing the kids to the array of religious traditions. Wouldn't this naturally tend to weaken the notion that any one religion holds the key to Truth? Another friend of mine had challenged this idea - wouldn't this, he asked, merely sanction or naturalise the religious frame of understanding the world? Isn't the message, in effect, "Look at these various religious beliefs and practices - you are free to pick among them"? "What about the millions of people who live without religion?" he asked. "Why not present secular modes of thought alongside the religious traditions?"

He had a point, but since I was already getting some explicitly secular books I added The Kids Book of World Religions to my shopping cart.

Well, we've read the books, but I'm afraid there's nothing terribly interesting to report either about the texts as such or about my children's reactions to them, which have been rather quiet, if not altogether bored - tough to tell, and I'm strongly disinclined to go fishing for their thoughts. I've been tempted, but better, I think, to let them process it all in their own way (assuming the books made an impression at all). The books themselves are a mixed bag: at turns poignant and clunky, clever and awkward. I might re-read them with the boys at some point. Or maybe they'll pick them up themselves and read them on their own. We'll see.

And I might look for other humanist books that engage my children more than this first batch did. Raising my children as a secular father in a society saturated with religion, and in a home that is itself mixed (up?) on the religious question, creates anxiety. But maybe I should just relax. "Kids mostly just want to play with their friends, and religion isn't that big a deal - though it is, unfortunately, to parents," writes Emily Rosa, one of the contributors to the book Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion, in an essay evocatively titled "Growing Up Godless: How I Survived Amateur Secular Parenting".

Danny Postel ansd his sonsAll parents must confront the prospect that if we raise our children to be free, self-confident individuals, they may make choices that we don't like. Tough. The companion volume to Parenting Beyond Belief bears the title Raising Freethinkers. Sounds appealing - I'd like to raise freethinkers. But what if raising my kids to be truly free in their thinking results in their becoming religious? What if my efforts to instill scepticism in them lead them to become sceptical of my humanism? So be it.

"Teaching" your children (about) humanism can be a fool's errand, plagued by some the same pitfalls involved in raising children "in" a particular faith tradition. Richard Dawkins has provocatively argued that indoctrinating children with religion is a form of child abuse. But couldn't secularism, as Jeremy Stangroom recently wondered, constitute its own form of indoctrination? Might the attempt to impart one worldview or another to one's children - whether religious or secular - itself be ill-conceived?

And yet one doesn't want to be passive, especially in the American context, in which religion in one form or another constitutes a kind of default position. One can certainly understand the impulse behind the humanism-for-kids books, whatever their faults and limitations, and the desire of secular parents to get their hands on them. They arise from and speak to a very real hunger, whether they satisfy it or not.

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Parent & Child Reading list:

(With thanks to papers at: 74.125.155.132)

Julia Sweeney - Navigating Around the Dinner Table

In an essay at turns hilarious and touching, comedian Julia Sweeney recounts her own experience of growing up happily Catholic, gradually giving up her belief, then struggling to raise her adopted daughter without the convenient answers and simple religious comforts she had as a child.

Norm R. Allen, Jr. - Thinking My Way to Adulthood

Norm Allen, Executive Director of African American Humanists, tells of growing up in a Baptist home with one unusual feature: an open invitation to question anything, even the existence of God, and an assurance that he would be loved and accepted no more or less based on his answers.

Richard Dawkins, FRS - Good and Bad Reasons for Believing

On the tenth birthday of his daughter Juliet, Oxford biologist and ethologist Richard Dawkins gave her a letter describing something of singular importance to him: the value of evidence and honesty as the basis for our beliefs.

Emily Rosa - Growing Up Godless: How I Survived Amateur Secular Parenting

Emily Rosa (now a college student at CU Boulder) describes her own upbringing as a child in a secular family, including an usually public introduction to skepticism and the scientific method.

Bertrand Russell - from The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell

Philosopher Bertrand Russell lost his parents as a very young child. The courts ignored the instructions of his freethinking father to have him raised without religion—despite which, he became one of the foremost freethinkers of the 20th century.

Anne Nicol Gaylor - I’d Rather Play Outside

Freedom From Religion Foundation founder Anne Nicol Gaylor remembers her upbringing in a freethought home and her interactions with religious neighbors and friends.

Dan Barker - My Father’s House

Dan Barker’s “de-conversion” from fundamentalist minister to freethought activist provides a fascinating backdrop for his reflections on parenting. Dan first raised children in a Christian home and now raises a daughter in a freethought home.

Pete Wernick, PhD - Parenting in a Secular/Religious Marriage

Marriages between partners of different beliefs present special challenges. For parents, the challenges are further increased. Pete, a humanist, and Joan, a Catholic, are both seriously engaged in their belief systems, yet by conscious planning and hard work, they’ve made a solid and lasting marriage and parenting team.

Roberta Nelson, DD - On Being Religiously Literate

Rev. Nelson suggests that knowledge of religion is an important part of cultural literacy and provides a number of ways to achieve that literacy without indoctrination.

Stu Tanquist - Choosing Your Battles

When Stu Tanquist married his wife, he was an apathetic agnostic and she was a devout Catholic. Over the years he became more skeptical of religious claims, which introduced friction into their relationship—especially related to their daughter. Eventually the dissonance became too great, the marriage ended, and Tanquist was raising his daughter with limited support, confronting many issues including religion in the public schools.

Margaret Downey - Teaching Children to Stand on Principle—Even When the Going Gets Tough

Margaret Downey’s son had no problem identifying as a nonbeliever in his New Jersey Boy Scout troop—but when the family moved to Illinois, the new troop leader confronted the family and expelled Margaret’s son. Margaret’s essay describes her family’s experience, placing it in the context of her own upbringing in a mixed-race family.

Ed Buckner, PhD - Secular Schooling

Why should secular parents support public schools (or oppose “vouchers”)? Is moral education possible in secular public schools? Why should parents of all perspectives support the separation of church and state within public schools? Ed Buckner proposes answers to these questions and more, describing what separation is (and is not), and notes that secular schools are not the same as “atheistic” schools.

Jane Wynne Willson - Humanist Ceremonies

Though religious expressions have come to dominate rites of passage and the marking of other important life events in much of the world, there are meaningful and emotionally satisfying ceremonies available to serve these intrinsically human needs without supernatural overtones.

Dale McGowan, PhD - Losing the “Holy” and Keeping the “Day”

The calendar of holidays need not be diminished in the least when a family moves beyond belief. Most formerly religious holidays have a fully secular parallel expression today, with meaning intact. Add to that an array of new secular holidays to select from, and the possibilities are endless.

Tom Flynn: - Put the Claus Away

Dale McGowan: - The Ultimate Dry Run

Noell Hyman: - To Easter Bunny or Not to Easter Bunny?

It isn’t the most urgent issue in the secular family, but the question of intentional childhood myths taps many of our central concerns, including honesty, fact and fiction, reward and punishment, and trust. Tom Flynn suggests we do away with the mythologies of childhood, while Dale McGowan and Noell Hyman find reasons to keep and even cherish them.

Gareth Matthews, PhD - Morality and Evil

Secular parents may think they can avoid discussions of the problem of evil, but Gareth Matthews suggests otherwise. Making sense of the problem of evil, and the fact that evil often comes from good, is one of the central intellectual struggles of childhood.

Jean Mercer, PhD - Behaving Yourself: Moral Development in the Secular Family

Jean Mercer describes Kohlberg’s six stages of moral development and the interplay of emotion and moral reasoning.

David Koepsell, JD, PhD - On Being Good for Good Reasons: Commandments vs. Principles

David Koepsell distinguishes between “commandments” and “principles” as the underpinnings of moral behavior. Rather than choosing between them, Koepsell suggests that morality tends to be grounded in a combination of the two.

Shannon and Matt Cherry - Double Vision: Teaching our Twins Pride and Respect

This essay, along with “Seven Secular Virtues” (McGowan), draws a distinction between pride and arrogance. Pride, properly understood as self-esteem, has long been recognized as an important human virtue. Shannon and Matt Cherry go on to a nuanced description of respect, noting a difference between respect for a person and respect for that person’s ideas—an understanding they hope to instill in their twin daughters.

Dale McGowan - Seven Secular Virtues

Dale McGowan offers a list of seven “secular virtues,” not as a comprehensive list of human virtues, nor as a list that applies only to secularists. Like the traditional virtues, they are qualities to which we aspire – often with great difficulty.

Donald B. Ardell, PhD - Supporting Your Children in Their Quest for the Meaning of Life!

Life without meaning and purpose would be unbearable. But there is no universal, inherent meaning that applies for everyone. What is called for, says Dr. Don Ardell, is a conscious quest for meaning.

Annie Laurie Gaylor What Your Kids Won’t Learn in School

Freethought scholar Annie Laurie Gaylor presents a flying overview of some famous religious doubters, including many probable surprises. Such a list can serve as a counterpoint to the common assumption that the great figures of the past and present are believers.

James Herrick - Parenting and the Arts

“If you are looking for comfort, if you are looking for consolation, if you want the meaning of life handed to you on a plate – don’t go to the arts. Whether it is for parents or children, or their interaction, the arts can disturb and should not avoid the difficult areas of life. But art is not to be feared, for it can also stretch the imagination – art is wonderfully elastic, and it can stir creativity. Art is a wonderful stirrer, and a stirrer of wonder.”

Noell Hyman - The End, As We Know It

Noell Hyman reflects on the difference between the conception of death she held as a Mormon and the naturalistic conception that now frames her discussions with her own children, whom she is raising without religion.

Kendyl Gibbons, DD - Dealing with Death in the Secular Family

In a wide-ranging essay, Rev. Kendyl Gibbons gives practical advice on how to help children understand and cope with death without recourse to supernatural illusions.

Mark Twain - Little Bessie Would Assist Providence

Many of Mark Twain’s late writings were explorations of his own disbelief and of the influence of religion. Little Bessie was a satire in several chapters that went unpublished during Twain’s lifetime. It tells of the impertinent religious questioning of a wildly precocious little girl and her devout mother’s appalled attempts to answer.

Robert E. Kay, MD - Thoughts on Raising a Creative, Curious, Freethinking Child

Child psychiatrist Dr. Robert Kay offers fifteen thoughts on raising children without religion.

Amy Hilden, PhD - The Family Road Trip and the Self Behind My Eyes

Wondering is a formative experience for the growing human mind, says philosopher Amy Hilden—and the more unstructured and self-directed, the better. She describes her own wonderings as a child staring out of the car window on family road trips as her first sojourn into the philosophy of mind.

Margaret Knight - Excerpt from Morals Without Religion

“In January 1955 psychologist, broadcaster and humanist Margaret Knight stunned post-war Britain by suggesting in two talks on the BBC’s Home Service…that moral education should be uncoupled from religious education.”1 This brief excerpt from that talk is intended primarily to recommend a closer look at Knight’s elegant and thoughtful writings.

Stephen Law - Does God Exist? from The Philosophy Files

The arguments for and against belief in God are many centuries old. Stephen Law presents all of the major arguments in the form of an accessible dialogue among friends.

Dale McGowan - Teaching Kids to Yawn at Counterfeit Wonder

“A lot of people believe that you can’t experience wonder without religious faith,” says Dale McGowan. “If that were the case, this book would have to sound the alarm. Childhood, after all, is our first and best chance to revel in wonder. If parenting without religion meant parenting without wonder, I might just say to heck with reality.” But the wonder inherent in a scientific worldview can positively eclipse religious wonder—if we consider implications along with facts.

Amanda Chesworth - Natural Wonders

Amanda Chesworth continues the contrast between fictional and scientific wonder, suggesting that one of the primary privileges of a parent is the opportunity to provide children with “brain food.”

Kristan Lawson - The Idea that Changed the World from Darwin and Evolution for Kids

Kristan Lawson presents the theory of evolution in a nutshell, along with several activities designed to illustrate the principles of natural selection.

Pete Wernick - Building the Secular Community–However Slowly

Pete Wernick describes his own attempts to build humanist community by creating a sort of “church without God”—and shares some honest critiques of the current humanist infrastructure.

Amanda Metskas and August Brunsman IV - Summer Camps Beyond Belief

More than ten years have passed since Camp Quest, a summer camp for the children of freethinking families, first opened its gates in Kentucky.

Penn Jillette - Passing Down the Joy of Not Collecting Stamps

Penn Jillette has been a nonbeliever for a long time but only recently became a father. He reflects on raising his kids without religion, noting that you don’t have to “teach Atheism.” An absence of religious indoctrination, he says, is enough to give kids room to think for themselves